I'm up.
Ana is gone.
Time to write...

I have not smoked this morning... thank god. I purposely did not smoke a lot last night, and did not eat very much. It was basically just an experiment to see if those two things were contributing to my sickness and low and behold, ta da!

I have done this before though and even when i feel good in the morning, it does not stretch on to the next glorious morning... I take what I can get.

I have an exam today on pneumatics and hydraulics. It's actually a wicked fun class, when I am well enough to go! I'm thinking this may be where I want to focus my career... Should I ever choose to really start looking for a job...

I have been wanting so badly to write in the last couple days. I wish I could just jump on my computer and write whenever I want but the fact remains that I pretty much always want to talk about ana and she is always with me. Plus she gets all wacked out when i get on my computer. I was so tired after making dinner last night that i just wanted to hop on myspace and play some games but it turned into an uncomfortable night because I was not paying attention to her...

It's hard to get a grip on why I let her control and manipulate me. Im often not convinced that she does it on purpose. I tell her over and over that since she does not live with me, it's uncomfortable when she is here every second of the day. I tell her that if she wants to be here all the time then we need to sit down and discuss it and she needs to pay rent etc. (not that I would ever let it happen, i'm just trying to make a point to her). But she stays anyway. I never know how to tell her to go home and then when im finally iritated enough to do so, she turns it into this big sad guilt trip; "If you want me to go home I will, just say the word". Ha. It never happens without a fight, followed by tears and "do you REALLY want me to go?" ugh. She plays on the fact that I have a hard time dissapointing people if I can help it.

So is she using me then? I tend to think she is just super immature with her emotions and actions, and i also think she is a sociopath. The real true definition of a sociopath. Or she maybe its the bi-polar disorder rearing it's ugly head that she refuses to get treatment for. Either way the truth is that I have been less and less in this pseudo-relationship for the past two months now. Almost to the point that I have to question if the love is even still there...

And on this topic of change, I have been having bizzare dreams. About guys. Not sexual dreams, really, just situations where I wanted to be closer to a male figure. Or where I was excited to see a boy... but the dreams always end before I see him...

It's not that I hate men, I am just way more sexually fulfilled by a woman!

But...

Have a resinged myself to a life of l,imiting my opportunities because of momentary preference and lack of strength?